Friday, December 18, 2009

I Hate Canton Expose: Undercover with the Lunch Bunch

We have distressing news tonight. The Lunch Bunch (LB) has commandeered the Repository!

That's the only explanation we can come up with after reading today's Share Your Christmas with the Rep entry reporting that the LB is sponsoring a needy family this Christmas. You know, a family of tax-dodging, lazy SARTA-riding, laid-off tax sponges our Reppies are so fond of complaining about. The LB, according to Parker, raised nearly $500 from its members and got another $100 donation from a local business owner. A $100 food voucher from a local supermarket was donated by another commenter. Frank Manello should be so lucky!

Writing under Mary Parker's signature, the LB published its version of its charitable work, including:

We had a little Christmas party for ourselves, at which we had a Christmas “gift wrapping” theme. That killed two birds with one stone; got the gifts wrapped and filled our bellies with all the potluck dishes and desserts.

The success of this year’s endeavor has inspired us to make this or something similar a yearly event. Collecting the money, doing the shopping, wrapping the gifts has brought Christmas joy to all of us, and certainly invited the Christmas spirit into this Bunch.

I Hate Canton, like Octopuppet, is everywhere (except on this blog). Through our extensive network of moles we learned about this party beforehand. As a result of our intrepid snooping we were fortunate enough to wheedle an invitation from an unwitting gang member and report back to you what transpired that evening in the deepest recesses of suburbia. Our mole not only attended the festivities but actually wrapped presents, a task we weren't sure it was up to, since it considers wrapping akin to 100 push-ups. It reported that the LB, numbering about 25 that night, was as well behaved as Jamie Healy at a Miss Teen Canton contest.

Two women of questionable character, it reported, were accompanied by an INNOCENT CHILD! The unfortunate waif was forced to entertain the gangbunchers on her Bontempi Toy Trumpet with selections from Cole Porter and Adam Sandler while the revelers guzzled Arizona Green Tea and stuffed Krause's chicken, shrimp, baked and green beans, several varieties of potatoes and...most shockingly...tiramisu... in their faces. (see picture above left for selected bunchters).

After the foodfest the LB retired to the basement where they wrapped clothing, books, and toys into the wee hours of the morning...when law abiding people were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

Why the Repository has chosen to acknowledge this low-lifery is beyond I Hate Canton's comprehension. Especially since the Rep is a totally owned subsidiary of I Hate Canton.

This Lunch Bunch tomfoolery must stop!

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mary said...

To me the lunch bunch looks like they've had too many lunches. Especially that one on in the pink top. Oops, that me. No wonder Frank Manello wants them to cut off my food stamps. He has my best interest at heart. One more lunch, and I'll probably burst.

I just don't understand why some people hate our group so much.. What's not to love about a bunch of people sitting around stuffing themselves all the time. They use any excuse to eat. This time it's a gift wrapping saga. I mean, it's not like it's hard labor. Geeze, how much work is tying a few bows and sticking some scotch tape in a few places. Damn, they act like they been on the chain gang for 3 days. I know some people would call us pigs. (At least me). You think that's because they dislike me, or because I'm always eating? Guess I earned that title, you think? Food could be what's causing me to go bald. Every time I eat, I want to rub the top of my head.

Cynthia Vignos said...

Is that woman holding the (adorable) child drinking a BEER? someone call Childrens' Services.